Finding Charis
Written by Kayla Faherty
I began my journey in the Year of the Seeker by responding to a forwarded email from a friend inviting me to join a local Well-Read Mom group. Little did I know Charis would become an instrumental companion on my walk.
It was July, and my husband and I were coordinating the fall schedules of our seven children. We had also just found out we were expecting. Though I have been an avid reader since childhood, I have never participated in a book club. I thought reading some new books and chatting with like-minded women might be a good opportunity.
In August, because I have a history of miscarriages, I had an early ultrasound for the pregnancy. They discovered there was a chance we were experiencing a c-section scar ectopic pregnancy, but they couldn’t confirm the diagnosis.
At the time, I was reading “Abandonment to Divine Providence” by Jean-Pierre De Caussade. In it, he writes, “There is not a moment in which God does not present Himself under the cover of some pain to be endured, of some consolation to be enjoyed, or of some duty to be performed.” While I knew God was present in all of this, I couldn’t see Him. Though I sought Him, He seemed absent.
During this time of scans and appointments, waiting, and praying, I prepared for the first Well-Read Mom meeting. When I cracked open the Reading Companion, tears came to my eyes as I read the quote by Saint Mother Teresa. “From the moment a soul has the grace to know God, she must seek.” You see, Mother Teresa was instrumental in my conversion to the Catholic faith years ago. I was raised a fundamentalist Protestant and had fallen away from faith when the Holy Spirit led my husband and me to the Catholic Church. And now, while struggling to find God, I felt she was still interceding for me.
I carpooled with two friends to the meeting in September. We discussed the selection from Saint Augustine’s Confessions. I didn’t share with the group what my husband and I were going through, but I experienced the consolation of Christian fellowship. By listening to these women share some of their lives with me, I recognized that, indeed, we were seekers. We were all searching for God, for love.
The following week, the specialists confirmed that the pregnancy was growing through my scar and into my bladder. I would need to have surgery. We were going to lose the baby.
I was so incredibly sad.
I felt abandoned by God. Where was He? I echoed the apostles in the boat as my heart broke. “Jesus, do you not care?”
Two days after coming home from the hospital, and in a lot of pain, I started to read “Charis in the World of Wonders” by Marly Youmens. The tears came.
I could relate to Charis’s character. I was journeying with her in the wild. In my own sorrow and grief, I connected with her story deeply. While clutching her dead sister, she moans. “And why it happened or what it meant, the girl never knew, though someone knew. But God did not tell her.” I found my voice in Charis’.
Even though I knew in my head that God gives all good gifts, keeps all His promises, and is a merciful Father, some part of my heart still saw Him as the fire and brimstone god of my youth, the view many in Charis’ world held. He must be angry with me, I reasoned. I must have done something wrong for this to happen to me. Where was He when I needed Him most?
We have all loved and lost, trying to make sense of it all, we cry out to God. After learning of the loss of a man’s wife and child and thinking back to the loss of her own family, Charis wonders, “Why some faithful prayers are answered and others not was a mystery… but the cross that hung in my mind with a glimmering, drowned light—the arms—out image of wide embrace that declared we were not alone in our suffering.” Charis put to words what I was longing to know.
Like Charis, my Dad died when I was a young woman. We had a broken relationship, and though I had forgiven him, there was still a wound. Because of this brokenness, I was unable to see Our Father clearly. It was my own distorted image of God that held me back from giving God my whole heart.
Through traveling with Charis, I could grasp that I was not alone in my suffering. That Jesus was so incredibly sad with me. Through the loss of this little sweetheart who had brought so much joy and love into our family, God broke through my grief and healed my heart. I could allow myself to be embraced by Our Father, my own Father. I finally knew I was His beloved daughter and accepted His wide embrace of love.
I was able to place my trust in God in a new way. I was able to move into His heart, a heart overflowing with love for me. While I was searching to find God in this loss, I realized He had been seeking for me since my life began.
“So I suppose it was worth enduring…to have been found by him.” Yes, that is how I felt. The Holy Spirit used Charis to help open my heart just a crack. I was receptive to the movement of the Holy Spirit and open to respond to the love that God was longing to pour out to me. It is through redemption and love that suffering becomes bearable.
When I went to the Well-Read Mom meeting in October, I was able to share what was on my heart, and I was received and supported in love. It wasn’t until I had finished reading the book and read in the glossary that I discovered that the world Charis means is the bounty and beauty of grace. And that is what I was experiencing. Grace in my own world of wonders.
“Charis in the World of Wonders” has profoundly touched my life, as has the community I have found in my Well-Read Mom group. This summer, I plan to forward a few emails.
Kayla Faherty
A convert to the Catholic faith, Kayla Faherty lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and seven children. She is currently working on several women’s ministry projects and enjoys writing, reading, baking, and conversations over tea.
About Well-Read Mom
In Well-Read Mom, women read more and read well. Our hope is to deepen the awareness of meaning hidden in each woman’s daily life, elevate the cultural conversation, and revitalize reading literature from books. If you would like to have us help you select worthy reading material, we invite you to join and read along with us. We are better together! For information on how to start or join a Well-Read Mom group visit our website wellreadmom.com
