Keeping Vigil: Literature, Companionship, and Grief
Written by Emily Login
In June 2025, my dad, a 56-year-old healthy father of eight kids, was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. At the time, I was six months pregnant with our fourth child. My husband had lost his job, gotten a new job, and started a business all within two weeks of my dad’s diagnosis. I was feeling lost and very alone.
After a chaotic few weeks culminating in my dad’s craniotomy and (somewhat) job security for my husband, I realized there was nothing to do but keep moving forward one day at a time. I had no other choice.
This is when I started to discover that my literary friends were keeping vigil with me month by month through a very difficult year. Each of the characters and stories I encountered while journeying through the “Year of the Teacher” came to life and supported me in ways only beauty can.
Anne Elliot and Captain Wentworth’s friendship in Persuasion reminded me that I was not alone in my struggle. Wentworth accompanied Anne and supported her through Louisa’s fall and convalescence, which caused Anne to look up and recognize the steadfast faithfulness of her beloved even after she had shunned him. I, too, went through a period of turning inward and suppressing my feelings, trying to shoulder the burden of my life alone. During this month, my dear husband reminded me that the strength of our marriage is what sustains and strengthens us, allowing us to do hard things. However, I have to be willing to carry our crosses together.
At the end of October, we welcomed our 4th child after a precipitous birth preceded by much prodromal labor. At the same time, my husband ventured into the unknown of entrepreneurship with his business partner, building a business from the ground up. All throughout that harsh month, I walked with Beret during her own difficult pregnancy and postpartum depression while her husband led his family into the unknown, eventually dying in service to his family.
In March, I received the news that my dad’s tumor had grown back aggressively and was no longer responding to his treatments. While reading Purgatorio, I was struck by the line highlighted in Marcie’s audio recording from Canto XVIII: “Quickly, quickly, lest time be lost in lacking love.” I remember crying in my bathroom, repeating this line over and over to myself. Life was taking on new meaning and purpose. Life was precious, too precious to waste on superfluous things. I did not want to be like the slothful forced to run to work out their salvation in purgatory. I wanted to make the moments count now, in this life.
“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.”
Philippians 2:12
Franz von Stuck, Pietà
This 1891 oil on canvas painting by German Symbolist Fran von Struck depicts the Mary’s grief and anguish after Jesus’ crucifixion. View full painting at Städel Museum Digital Collection.
I read This is Happiness by Niall Williams in my parents’ backyard. I remember it was a particularly sunny Holy Week day when I learned Annie Mooney was sick. I watched Christy sit with her on the phone every night before she died. At the same time, my kids and I were occupying our days and nights playing Go Fish with my dad, spending time with him, listening to his stories here on the eve of his life as Christy and Annie laughed and loved and listened to each other across the pond, sanctifying the ordinary moments. Christy had this mission to leave nothing unsaid, begging Annie’s forgiveness for leaving her at the altar. As my dad neared his own death, I watched him leave nothing on the table. He apologized, told the truth, offered unsolicited advice, and told you he loved you.
Then came The End of the Affair by Graham Greene. I vividly remember feeling the raw emotions of Sarah promising God she would give Bendrix up as I was driving away from my parents’ house to the airport. This was my last earthly visit with my dad, knowing I was being asked to give him up. It was a knife to the heart. I finished the book the week my dad died. I remember weeping while reading the last page where Bendrix offers up his twisted prayer to God, spewing hate and pain following Sarah’s death. In his agony, he tries to convince himself that none of it truly mattered, when in reality, nothing could be farther from the truth. As I read, I felt a sense of peace knowing this was not my dad’s story. He died peacefully at home on Ascension Sunday, having received the sacraments, confident in the Father’s love, knowing who he was and who God is. He showed me what it means to die a holy death and, in doing so, he continues to witness to me what it means to live a holy life.
This is the year I truly realized why great books matter. Literature is powerful. When someone has the God-given gift of writing words that convey the human experience so profoundly, it is important to listen. The characters I encountered in the novels I read this past year humanized my own sufferings. These characters walked beside me as they encountered illness, death, and grief. Ultimately, this life is not the end. Heaven is my goal, and death my teacher.
Now I find myself entering a new chapter. I feel a little more worn around the edges, but not worse for the wear. I am trying to rediscover who I am and reorient what matters most to me, carrying these new lenses of grief and loss. I find myself most often in a posture of gratitude. I now possess a deeper ability to hold the grief and pain of others, not just sympathizing with them. One of the great gifts of womanhood is the ability to make space for others as they are, with their deep emotions, messy lives, and the supernatural grace holding it all together.
About Emily Login
Emily Login is a wife and mom of four in Steubenville, OH. She attempts daily to know the truth, do the good, and love the beautiful. Aside from reading, she spends her days homeschooling, milling flour, and drinking too much iced coffee.
About Well-Read Mom
In Well-Read Mom, women read more and read well. Our hope is to deepen the awareness of meaning hidden in each woman’s daily life, elevate the cultural conversation, and revitalize reading literature from books. If you would like to have us help you select worthy reading material, we invite you to join and read along with us. We are better together! For information on how to start or join a Well-Read Mom group visit our website wellreadmom.com
